The Hard Days

Some days I have the hardest time....being Me. I feel like I do the same thing every day and get no where. Why does this happen? I know I'm not the only mother who feels this. But so many of us are afraid to put down our guard and admit that this is damn hard. Some think, your a mom who stays home and does what ever you want every day. Well screw them. Today I looked at my self and thought, Michelle this is so trivial what are you worried about. But I do. Life can be hard, I look for the guidance but some days I simply cant see it. I try and try to stay positive and keep up a happy facade but that's all it is some days. Today is that day. But today I'm not hiding I'm sick of hiding and pretending that I know how to do it all and I'm fine by myself. I really don't feel like I have anyone who can help me. My kids are sick and I'm frankly sick of them, Well OK to be honest just Jack. Ave is so little its hard to be mad at his simple mistakes he's a baby to me still how can you blame him. The same should go for Jack but I can't seem to stay off his case. How do you get a child to do what you want them to do with out raising your voice and getting mad after asking them for the 5th time. I am sick of doing it all myself, cleaning the spilled milk all over the counter and chairs and newly mopped kitchen floor or the smashed Cheerios all over the bathroom kitchen hall and family room. I make their bed 4 times a day and pick up toys every other day and I don't just mean a couple I mean ALL of their toys. Friends come over and help turn the house upside down. Yet I'm happy to have them here to play because it makes the kids so happy.
So how do I find the balance? Today I just don't know. I'm just want to walk away from it all, leave it for their dad. I told Jack today that he needs to decide where he wants to go stay because I don't want him anymore. He was hurt, but I seemingly didn't care. I'm so sick of the same fights over and over and over again. Hours later I settle down and apologies but then.....it happens again. How do I stop? ?